February 1995

I realize that I have addictions.

Got high and drunk with friends, then parted and went to Roscoe's by myself. I danced alone. I approached someone for a cigarette, and to be polite I smoked it while chatting with him. We got along well and talked easily. Lou was southern, forty-two. We went to his place. This is my week of "no-second-thoughts". He told me that he's HIV-positive and smoked a lot of pot, did lines of coke. The sadness I picked up in that apartment I will have with me for a long, long time. I don't want to be a Lou. I don't want to throw my life away. He gave me a leather cock-ring to wear. We masturbated. I came. And now I have to believe that Lou and I crossed paths for a reason deeper than drugs and masturbation. That there was something God wanted to show me about life. Early in the morning I stood on the corner of Clark and Addison and waited for a bus. I recognized the only other person at the bus stop, it was my high school English teacher Mrs. Kellenhoffer. The stern, hard-looking, old, forgetful, some even called her senile, Mrs. Kellenhoffer. I laughed to myself.

I'm a druggie, that's what I am. How long have I been stoned now? Where am I going? Where is the truth? I have determination- to destroy myself, again and slowly. I'm not happy. It's hard to admit that when you don't have the balls to change things. Beat, beat, beat myself up in so many mysterious little subliminal ways. In everything I do. Friends say that I reproach myself for everything. There's so much I haven't dealt with. But I will give myself time and love to make it through this phase, this lifelong phase.

Michael and I play phone tag.

I drink and smoke and I know I haven't the will to change my lifestyle, yet. I'm addicted to the people who encourage it. That's not a cop-out, just honesty.

My grandparents' home in Tehran must be empty now that most everyone has died. I remember how it used to echo with noise and laughter when I was a child. So many people constantly coming and going. How far away I am from there at the moment, but only physically. I wait for spring.