September 1992

Thought about calling mom and telling her about my dilemma, but this is mine. Mine to deal with.

I realize how young I actually am and how premature my experiences have been. Of course I'm forced to live this way when I can't get the support I need from family. How absurd it is for a nineteen-year-old to stand in a bar.

We've moved into a two-bedroom apartment across the courtyard. Dad's in Turkey. He's gone to meet up with and marry a woman he knows from Iran. I hope he enjoys himself. It was a beautiful day out and as I hurried to my car I passed two women who walked arm in arm. 'Wonderful day for a walk,' I said as I passed by. The younger woman smiled and agreed. And when I was a few steps ahead I heard the old woman say, "If I could walk like you." I turned and smiled. I've always wondered if old people look at us and wish they had their own youth, or if they've resigned themselves to old age.

Tonight I am at peace with wanting to be outrageous. Wondering if I'll find my lover. To open up to him slowly, love him and be loved by him. To screw the world and do what I am meant to do, without guilt, without shame. I hope I find him. I want to conquer the world.

Today Sue asked if it bothers me that she and the other gals at work flirt with me.

Santi's call woke me up. He said something about having been thinking about me. I smiled to myself after we hung up. Has this been a game for me? I'm glad he called.

Sometimes I think this whole not smoking cigarettes and not eating meat thing is to make up for other things that are lacking in my life. I wish I knew the reasons for my own actions.

I guess there's no balance. I've just been stepping on people. I have been lying to friends so that I can spend all my time with Brandon. Tonight I went to Roscoe's alone. It was a test to see if I could go to a bar by myself. It was boring.

Damn it, why do I feel sexual toward everyone in my life? Sometimes I want Brandon. It's been hard for me to admit that because I want to be perfect. Now the real work is in maintaining a friendship. Let's see what happens.

"Will you marry me?" Brandon joked tonight because we spend so much time together. I'm just being. Being.

Mom said, "Go straight and be happy." Exactly in those words. Where did she find such a thing to say? Who has she been talking to? Oh mother… What a life. What a night.

Who will ever know…

The future's completely uncertain.

Thought about sucking dick and it got me horny. To think that I can give someone else so much pleasure is arousing. I feel young. Beautiful. Doing. Seeing. Touching. Experiencing. Growing. I tell myself, Slow down, take your time.

There's all this energy in me I don't know what to do with. Thinking that my sexuality is here for a reason. I have to bring that reason to life. It's going to take strength. I'm so lucky to have the people that I do in my life.

Inspiration comes and goes, but it leaves its mark. Came out to my cousins.

Marcelo and I went out for Ethiopian and found I was completely able to freely express myself. It was a wonderful feeling. I told Marcelo about coming out to my cousins. I had said to them, 'I respect and love you both. And I feel distance between us that isn't something intentional, something I can help. So, I'm telling you that I'm gay. You can either be ignorant, asshole, jerk, dicks about it, or you can love me and get to know me.' Marcelo and I laughed about this all night.

I'm going to quit smoking to prove to myself that I do have control over my life. I don't want to go out. I don't want to deal with dad. I'll read and educate myself in my room.

Got my right ear pierced. The girl who pierced my ear said, "That's great! Speak your mind. I love it." Rachel thinks it's "deep" that dad's marrying a woman he hasn't seen in years. Thinking about it myself it trips me out. Dad's marrying this Lena woman whom he doesn't really know. They don't even love each other. Freaky! These people know nothing about love, how dare they tell me how to live my life?

What's it like to be loved, wanted, missed? How strange that I should feel comfort surrendering to doubt and fear. It's what keeps me alive, being devoured. There are many ideas, scenes, and characters running through my mind. I hope that soon I can start writing. And am learning that in life you can't rush things, that things happen when it's the right time. But until then I will feel frustrated and incomplete. P.S. Ordered beer over dinner and got served. Being nineteen is boring!