August 1989

Well, here I go. I'm not very good with writing, but I'll try. Where should I start? Well… I've decided to start this journal because so many interesting things are happening to me. My whole life's been crazy, especially since we moved from Iran to the States five years ago, but moving to Chicago with my dad and brother last summer really changed my life. Some good changes and lots bad. Last summer, when I was fifteen, mom and dad divorced. Finally! I had a choice of living with my mom or with my dad. A few days before leaving California for Chicago to start living with my father my mom and I started acting strangely toward each other. Maybe it was the fact that I was running out of time to make that big decision. I must admit that I was being kind of rude to mom. You can't blame me. The pressure was increasing by the hour, and mom was being a bitch. One day, mom's younger sister Jackie called to talk to me. She asked why I was being such a brat and I got mad at her. So, I ran crying into the bathroom, throwing stuff all over the place, shampoo on the walls, and stuff. Then I ran crying and screaming into the pool with my clothes on and my parents chasing me. Later, I called some of mom's family and cussed them out. To make a long story short I flew to Chicago and started my sophomore year at St. Gregory High School. I had no friends and was a geek until I auditioned for the school play and got the lead. That's how I met Lisa who is half Assyrian and half Irish. At first I thought she was kind of mean, but now we are very close. I love her very much. I don't know what I would do if I lost her. Melisa was nice, we had fun doing "The Importance Of Being Earnest", but she graduated and now we're not that close. Maggie was a bitch, but now, right now, we're really close. Eli is from Norway and I love her, too. She said I was like a brother to her. That touched me. Oh! I'm very emotional, sensitive, mellow-dramatic, and very bi-sexual! Anyway, Eli's back in Norway and I won't see her for a long time. Rachel was very sweet, nice, and happy from the start. So, school was shitty sophomore year. During rehearsals for the play I told my friends about my sexuality and they were cool about it. I seemed happy but inside I was sad. Soon people at school were calling me a fag. My God, how it hurt. I'm not a total queen, but… Where were we? Then came "Summer Hell". My so-called love life with Marcelo lasted a few weeks. Ooh, he's gross! On August 12th my friends gave me a 16th birthday party. It was fun. I was drunk and happy, but depressed. Melisa was the only one who took me seriously. We talked in the bathroom and realized that what was making me sad was not talking to my mom for a year. I was mad, too, because Lisa treats me like a child when I'm drunk. The day after my birthday party I did it. Something I was thinking about all year. That day finally I got the courage. I cut my wrist deep. When the blood came out I freaked and called 911. I was taken to Edgewater Hospital where I fell in love with Dr. Cooper. He was very nice. I'll fall in love with anything that's nice to me. Then I was taken to a mental hospital where I cried for two days straight. When I came home it was like nothing had happened. No one cares about Emil. Not even my own mother. What's scary is that I'm not any happier now. Oh, God, help me. I want to cry but a fake smile takes over. I want someone to hold and love me. But my brother, Bell, is in the room and I can't cry. I don't want my family to know about me. But I'm waiting for someone to take me away from here. I will never forgive my mother for not talking to me all this year.
Here are some of the reasons why I think I tried to commit suicide:
1. Rejection from mom, friends, people.
2. Not being able to do anything. I thought I could sing, but I suck.
3. No one will ever love me. I'm a reject.
4. My entire life is based on dreams and fantasies.
5. Being gay, or whatever you want to call it.
6. Not being able to talk to people. It feels like everyone around me is talking and laughing, but I'm always quiet. Lisa encourages me.
7. Little things people have said and done to hurt me.
8. Not liking myself, not being free.
I can't explain it. I'm very scared. Who should I tell? I'm afraid of myself. Me. Me. What am I trying to say? At night, in bed, thoughts go through my head. I cry. If I talk about my problems will they still want to be my friends? Why? Why me? I've been good all my life. Well, now you know about me. But there's more to me. I'm very sweet, thoughtful, and kind. Maybe too nice, I always say. God help me.

Today was the actual first day of junior year. My classes seem mostly boring. I hope it's a good year. I have to make it a good year. Lisa is going to go to the Assyrian Convention with me. I hope it's fun. I've been out almost every night since I got out of Reed two-and-a-half weeks ago. I'm waiting for someone. What will his name be? When? Please, soon.

Today, after school I got stoned for the first time. Lisa was helping me with the bong and I laughed and burned my lungs. We pigged out.