January 1990

So, more about the party: I was totally drunk when Maggie kissed me in the bathroom. She said she did it because I had said nobody wanted me. At around two in the morning some of Marcelo's friends from the Bistro came over and the next thing I know I'm in the middle of an orgy. I sat in some guy's lap while giving another guy a blowjob. Then this guy named Ed came up and joined us. There were others in the room. Guys and girls. I enjoyed it, but I also felt stupid and guilty. I am a slut. 1990 has started out nicely, hasn't it?

Marcelo called to give me Ed's number. Nicole came over and the stupidest thing happened. I fucked her. I guess I was trying to prove something to myself. It was fast and meaningless.

I called Ed and suggested that we all go out some time. He picked me up and we drove around before going to the movies. We messed around in his car. During the movie he rubbed my leg and chest. Afterward he wanted to have sex but I asked him to take me home. He said he'd rather take me to an alley and rape me.

Now that someone wants me it's really difficult for me to give in. Last night I lay in bed thinking about how cool it would be if I could tell another family member that I'm gay. But I can't. I talked to Marcelo. He said that Ed told him that I give good head, but that I looked bored last night. Then I talked to Ed himself and he said that my eyes glowed last night, that it was unusual to see brown eyes glow like that. I'm not falling for it. I told him that I'd had a good time at the movies. He said he really wants me and sounded horny over the phone. Apparently he was hard.

Rachel's party was boring. We went to Jessie and Jim's. That's when the drinking started. I got stoned and drunk. Too much. In the car I felt sick. I need new friends who truly love me. Came home and slept.

Got up at around two-thirty in the afternoon and felt lousy, sick, and depressed. Took a shower but it didn't really help. I was mad at myself for drinking and getting stoned. Never again! At least not so much. My cousin Ray and I went out with Tracy and her sister Tara, who's had this huge crush on Ray for years! We went to a strange bar and drank and talked. We were wasted. Ray and Tara had their own conversation while Tracy and I did our own thing. On the drive home I remember feeling the music enter me, really move me. Everyone was quiet and the moon was full. Ray and Tara made out in the car while Tracy and I stood in the cold in front of their house.

Ray and I talked about our relatives in Iran. How much we miss them.

Fought with dad about his drinking. I guess no one is perfect. I'm so mad I'm going to fuck Ed this weekend. I'll get drunk and he can do whatever he wants to me. So sad… Stop drinking!

Went to Montrose harbor with Lisa and Brandon. We got stoned and talked about sex. The view was beautiful. You could really feel the beauty if you tried. Then they dropped me off at Reza's and my cousins were mad at me for being stoned. I didn't care. I talked and ate my little heart out!

Ed and I drove out to the suburbs to run errands. We pulled over on the side of the road and I gave him a blowjob. I tired to swallow him but I nearly threw up. We drove back to Chicago, went to Leona's for dinner, and laughed. Then we met Maggie and others at Stage Left where Maggie pissed me off by throwing herself at Ed and trying to be all cool. The show was great. When a character on stage mentioned a New Year's Eve orgy we all started laughing. After the show we hung out and talked to some of the actors. I went outside, lit a cigarette, and watched the people drive by. Everyone else went home, but Marcelo and I went to the Bistro. Thomas and his new girlfriend were there. Thomas admitted to me that he still loves Lisa.

Lisa invited me to go see "Guys And Dolls" with her, Brandon, and Brandon's dad. She came over and I told her what Thomas had told me. This confused her, but we had fun anyway. The play was great. Afterward we went backstage and met the actors, some of whom were friends with Brandon's dad. They were mostly older gay men.

I found out today that Anjel, my mom's aunt, is dying of cancer. She's only forty-three. I cried for her. She's struggled with this for a long time but no one told me. No one talks about anything in this damn family! I went in my room and smoked a cigarette, and got scared thinking of the future. I'm afraid of being lonely. God, I don't much like you sometimes but I must believe in you. There has to be something to believe in. Maybe if I try hard enough… I went out with Tracy, Lisa, and Brandon. We got some beer and drank it in Brandon's dad's van. We got buzzed and Lisa and I could not stop laughing for some reason. We just had the giggles. I loved that moment so much, the four of us together. We decided to have another all-nighter and picked up more booze from a liquor store. Lisa and I peed in an alley and since it was dark we held each other's hand. We laughed so much. I found out the strangest things. People do talk when they're drunk. Brandon said that the gay actors we met at "Guys And Dolls" thought I was cute. He also said that his father wants me to feel free to talk to him about my confusion because Brandon's uncle is gay. Lisa talked about her abortion in detail and cried. I'm glad she got it out. There were some intense things I never knew. Lisa confessed that she finds me attractive. Brandon confessed that he'd like me in that way if he were gay. Lisa and I told each other how much we love each other. Brandon also told me he loved me. I feel I have a brother in him. I wished that Lisa would have talked to me earlier in our friendship, and when we were sober. Because did we really know what we were saying at all in that van, drunk and pissing all the time?

The thing with all-nighters is that they're fun while they're happening, but the next day you're as tired as a dog. I'm going to end whatever there is with Ed. He's just a horny pig and I don't need him. I hate it when dreams break!

Dad gave me a lecture about going out too much. He wasn't being an asshole or anything. We went to Jessie's to celebrate the end of exams. We did shots of tequila, drank beer, and got stoned. I hate myself for it. Everyone else went to the Bistro, but I stayed in. I was tired.

I will not get drunk or stoned again! One of the reasons why I hate drinking is that it reminds me of dad, and that makes me sick. Tonight I had the opportunity to get high at Brandon's but I didn't. Proud of myself. When I got home and stepped out of the taxi I decided to go for a walk around the block. I lit a cigarette and felt the best natural high on life ever. I told God I love him ten times. It snowed.

I'm thankful that mom and I are speaking again, even though it's not the same. Sometimes I hate her just because I can't help it.

I've decided to do better this semester. Ed called and invited me to spend the night since his mom's out of town, but I turned him down. I don't need a pervert, fag-looking queen like that.

Thomas stopped by and apologized for tricking me the other night, saying the things he had said about still loving Lisa. I guess he was trying to get me to open up about how Lisa feels about him. We talked for a little while. It was cool. In Religion we had to share what things represent life to us. I said that music, nature, and friends are all life to me.

If I die tomorrow what have I really accomplished? I know I'm only sixteen and shouldn't worry about these things, but… The only cool thing today was that really hot guy sitting at the next table at Reza's.

Everyone loves my fashion sketches. The girls want me to design their prom dresses. It's funny. Sometimes I wonder if mom really wanted to be remarried, or if she did it out of desperation. Somehow I know she's not happy.

Walking to the bus stop after visiting with Lisa who was depressed, I felt good for having helped someone. What else is there to do in life?

We had a birthday party for a friend in a motel room on Lincoln. I was buzzed when Lisa pissed me off. I hate her. I cried, Lisa walked out. Then we had a cake fight. That was fun. Some people left and Sarah and I made out. Brandon, Lisa, and Tracy watched us from the bathroom and giggled. Sarah is seventeen. I actually loved her for a moment.

I was thinking how I never had a nice teenage life.