January 1991

I can easily say that emotionally I am not alright.

Maggie yelled at me for thinking everyone and everything is so "immature". I put on my scarf and coat. She asked what was wrong. I've lost all faith in her. Now our friendship will never be the same. When I dropped her off she told me to get over this "phase" I'm going through. Phase?

I wish I could just pull Santi aside and ask him what the hell's going through his fucking mind! I had a dream that I was riding a black horse while a white one walked alongside us. I tied the horses to a tree and went inside a building. When I came back out the black horse was still there, but the white one was gone. Does this dream mean that I long to have someone in my life? Riding alongside me? Does it mean that I'll never find that person, but I'll always have myself?

I am mad at myself for having let my emotions run wild and crazy. I am very disappointed in myself. And others. Dad's been drinking more. I hate my home life here in Chicago, but I've been thankful.

I was paying my tuition in the office when Santi walked by and poked me in the arm. He gave me a huge smile. I smiled back. Moments later when I glanced at him he looked so sad just sitting there looking over some papers.

I had a dream about Mia, a young teacher at Greg's. We were on the front steps of the school hugging with love and happiness. It was so real. The next day I found out that she's moved on. I didn't get to say goodbye. How sad, really.

I told Desiree about my whole suicide thing at sixteen and she told me that she had an abortion on her sixteenth birthday. But, we found that we are proud of ourselves and the things we've overcome. My home life is pretty bad, but I'm thankful to have a home in the first place.

In psychology Mr. Gattuso turned to me and said out of nowhere, "Emil, you discussing your sexual preference again?" I had totally been talking about something different. The cool thing is that I was not defensive. I thought it was funny. I'm glad I handled it like I did. I watched the snow all day at school. Big fluffy flakes. So white! Desiree and I went to Unabridged Books where I saw a book titled, "Coming Out To Parents". I want to buy it, but will it screw me up?

I have such an imagination. I wish I'd use it to write books.

Melisa and I went to Unabridged Books and I bought "How To Be A Happy Homosexual". We came back to the apartment and tried to have sex in the bathroom but I couldn't get it up. We were laughing too hard for me to get into it. I wanted to but I guess we're just too close.

Saw Santi on the stairs. He smiled at me. I laughed. Stayed away on purpose. I felt empty today. Sad for God and myself for doubting Him.

After school Santi saw me and invited me into his room. We talked. He told me that I have grown since he's known me. That he's noticed something different about me just from seeing me in the halls. I said that it was everything that had happened in the early days of the new year. I told him about the book I'm reading. He said, "Don't fuck anyone and don't let anyone fuck you." Such beautiful words. He said not to give strangers blowjobs and warned me about the dangers of unprotected sex. Mr. Fournier walked in and the three of us talked about dreams and their meanings. When he left Santi said, "Mr. Fournier is such a fruit!" And we laughed. Then he said, "Emil, I think you and I are somewhat alike." I gave him a puzzled look. I told him that he was pretty fruity himself, that I'd seen a woman walking on Clark in the morning and had thought it was him. We laughed again. Then he pranced around the empty classroom shaking his butt, making fun of himself. It was just such a wonderful experience. Really positive. Came home and told Bell I'm gay. I've done it! I've actually come out to another family member. I guess the Santi experience motivated me. I showed Bell the book I'm reading. He looked at it, looked at me, and continued to play the videogame. He didn't say much. Whatever he did say was quite ignorant. "You can change yourself." I was embarrassed, regretful for a while. Thinking, What have I done? The rest of the night he acted normal with me. I just hope he's not repressing any feelings. He told me not to tell dad. God, I've done it. Step by step. All the talk on TV is war. War! War! War!

I picked Melisa up from work and we listened to the radio. War! It's here. We could hear bombs in the background. Memories of childhood in Iran came back. Santi went to the demonstration downtown last night to protest the war in Iraq.

It's such a lonely time. I feel sorry for the children in Iraq. I went through it myself…

Santi asked if I'd drive him to a particular bookstore on Devon. Maggie came along. But when we got there it was closed. Santi was upset and said, "Fuck!" Maggie was shocked. On the way to Voltaire he fell asleep. Maggie and I tried hard not to laugh. There I sat next to him. Santi's presence was everything to me just then. We had a great time. Nothing else that happened today seems to matter.

I can't stop thinking about him. Grow up, Emil! Get a fucking hold of your emotions. Does he consider me a stupid kid or does he think about me all the time? Waiting. Do you know that I actually wait for his call? Praying. I pray for it. How stupid.

He's become such a big thing. It's my own fault. I've let it happen. I'm wrong. If he only knew. But would he laugh? God, help me. I'm a young man, this shouldn't be happening. I read…

After a depressing weekend when I let my fantasies get out of hand Mr. Santi ended up playing an important part in my life. Perhaps I played some part in his. In the morning, on the way to school, I saw him walking on Clark and thought to myself, God, I didn't expect this at all. I also didn't expect to go out to dinner with him tonight. I pulled over and he got into the car. He asked me to help him grade some tests and offered to pay me ten dollars an hour. I would not accept the money, so he said he'd take me out to dinner instead. I didn't argue. Throughout the day I found myself thankful and happy. Bell helped me grade the tests- there were so many of them. When Santi called and said he was hungry and wanted to go eat Bell gave me a big smile. "Is he old?" he asked. I told him he was in his late twenties. Bell's smile grew bigger and more suspicious. I thought that was cute. I picked up Santi and we went to Tehran, a Persian restaurant on Clark. He asked me if I was sick of Persian food. I said I wasn't. I was, of course, self-conscious the whole time but the conversation was cool. We talked about others at school. He talked about religion and history and I found myself feeling really stupid. I told him that I didn't like things happening so fast in my life. He said he understood, but that I would come to appreciate it all in the long run. Occasionally he got lost in thought and spaced out. Then he said that he thought people from the Middle East are beautiful. Just then I imagined him kissing my neck, but got a hold of myself. I said that I was reading "Interview With A Vampire" and we talked about that for a while. I love him. When I dropped him off he told me to call him and let him know how I was doing. Went home and had dad help me with the rest of the grading. Thanks dad! I just don't want to spend every minute of my life thinking about Santi.

He called. I took the graded tests to him. "My dear, hello," he'd said. Something to die for. And I would. Such a funny passion I feel for him when he's not there, but when he is there I want to run and hide. So small I am. A moth. An ant. He came downstairs when I rang the bell. I gave the papers to him. He was in his undershirt. I could see his chest hair. I knew it was there. I'd seen it before. He thanked me, hugged me. It was a strong tight hug. I loved every second of it. Now I wonder how strongly I hugged him back. Maybe he'll call again. I've had a jealous dream already. He was with someone else at school. If he ever mentions another I swear I'll hate him! It was a beautiful sunny day and when I got back in my car it was warm on the inside. I smiled.

Just came home. Dad's asleep on the couch, his bed. There's a bandage wrapped around his leg, which has been hurting him lately. I stood there and looked at him for a while. I realize that he's getting old. My dear father. I see the laundry he's done today. The pot of food on the stovetop- some Assyrian dish. I carry too much senseless pain with me. And Santi. Why do I bother wanting him? Why do I think about him at all? I'm so young. There's so much ahead of me now. He should beg the young boy.

Took the day off from school and went to The Art Institute with Melisa. I loved it. I was overwhelmed, both happy and sad. Jealous of all the art. It was a strange feeling. I saw a guy sketching a statue. I wanted him- wanted to be him.