July 1990

Tracy invited me to dinner and there I finally got a chance to talk to Melisa. We sat in the dark yard and I told her that I was sort of jealous of her and John.

Everyone was drinking except me because I had to drive. I think driving will be good for me; it'll prevent me from drinking!

We got some beer and went to the lake. Tracy explained to me that Stephen placing his hand on my knee at her prom was just a friendly gesture.

Lisa called and said Brandon broke up with her.

I would brag about going to a college party but it was boring. I guess if I'd drunk I would have had a good time. But I was driving. A girl asked if I was taking classes at Loyola. I said I wasn't, and if anyone were to ask me my age I was prepared to say eighteen!

Dad's been mad because I've been going out so much. Parents… The other night when I came home late and dad was still awake I had to sneak in through the back door, wait quietly in the dark kitchen until the lights were out and he was snoring. I had to sit there for a half an hour!

Decided to call Ed and go over there. The next thing I know I'm in his bed having sex to Harry Connick Jr. It was actually good. I didn't drink again because I was driving.

I had a long discussion with Tracy's drunk father. I feel sorry for him living as he does in self-pity.

Last day of summer school! I weighed myself. I'm a hundred and sixty pounds. I've lost weight. Yay!

Tracy's older sister and I talked about marriage, sex, love, and relationships. What would I know about any of them? Katie and I got drunk and talked to some bums on the street.

Katie and I spent the night at Tracy's and when I drove her home in the morning she invited me in for breakfast. We made pancakes and talked about her dream of owning a house in the country.

The flight to California was turbulent. I read the entire time. The weather in San Francisco was beautiful. My great uncle George picked me up and drove us back to his house in San Rafael, just north of the city. Hung out with some relatives, then drove up to Novato where Mom-Suzie and Jackie now own and run a home for the elderly. Jackie and I sat up talking.

Had Turkish coffee with the family, and then came out here to read and write in the yard. The smell of the Bay Area is so familiar and holds so many memories for me. Memories of a time when mom and dad were still married. I don't much like my relatives here. I miss Chicago, my friends, the noise.

Jackie and I went into San Francisco. I love it there, it's so beautiful. We shopped around a while, and when we were leaving our parking spot a van full of cute people pulled up and the driver asked us something in French. We said we didn't understand him. "Aren't you French?" he asked. "No," we laughed. When we got back to Novato mom and I packed up and drove back to Turlock. A two-hour drive. Mom said that she would divorce Beluse so that she and I could live together in Marin County. I said that I would rather stay in Chicago and at least finish my senior year there.

Damn it, I'm so fat! Mom and I went to the mall and had lunch. We actually laughed. Bought a couple more books. In the evening I rode Beluse's bike out to a nearby construction site. It was hot. I listened really hard but didn't hear anything. I looked real close but all I saw were flat houses. It was so peaceful. Silent. Street lamps lit only certain spots. The moon visible in the sky. A place not to think, but ride. I wish some of my friends were here…

It was dark when mom and I decided to go for a walk, but we ended up just standing in front of an Assyrian neighbor's house and talking. Flonda is a hilarious woman and made us laugh and laugh.

I remember when we first came to the States. School was hell. It was hours of abuse and humiliation. I longed to be able to speak English and stand up for myself, but couldn't. But looking around now I guess my life isn't that bad. I've had everything I need. Mom and I went for a walk and talked. She told me that Beluse begged her to stay but I think she wants to be away from him, so we're going back to the Bay Area.

Mom and I stayed at Fred's house in Modesto and watched "Steel Magnolias". Mom cried. Beluse called and asked mom if she wanted to go out to dinner, but she turned him down. She's been sad, lately. I don't know what their problem is…

One of mom's friends played a videotape of an Assyrian engagement party where a guy asks a girl for her hand in marriage. There was a lot of dancing and chatter. They even had a belly dancer. Mom turned to me and said that someday I would have a similar engagement party.