March 1995

Sometimes I am convinced that dad would be better off going back to Iran. Wouldn't we all be better off elsewhere? Do I still believe that I will be saved by some greater power? That I will not be lost and forgotten in a world of ordinary people? It's a beautiful cool sunny day.

Just letting things happen. It snowed today. I made a pipe out of tinfoil, smoked a bowl, and ventured out into the city to meet Rachel for coffee. It was good to see her.

I'm doing the best I can; it's just that I'm doing it stoned most of the time.

I've been on one of my drug, alcohol, and Brandon binges. I'm not making any plans. Mom called. "Where have you been? No phone call, no nothing," she complained. 'Well, I've been working. And really, what do we ever talk about?' I said frankly. "Yeah. You're right," she sighed into the phone, then added, "But to hear your voice is a good thing." I went for a bike ride along the lakefront and saw a white man in his thirties masturbating on a bench. He was handsome and wore dark shades. He had a pretty big penis, which he tugged right there in the light of day, just watching people ride by on the bike path. Oh, Chicago and its many freaks! When will I quit Brandon?

I'm shining and I will continue to shine throughout life no matter what, when, where.

Although I was exhausted I made myself meet Michael, and I'm glad I did. We were at a level that was comfortable and felt like friendship, which is what I've always wanted. It was even easy telling him what I had felt for him. We're moving on. We were very silly. Michael made hilarious faces and I remained giddy. Michael gave me sound advice regarding registering for classes, again! Thank you, Michael. There is a reason why you are in my life. My plan is to quit drinking, also. All I know is that I have not drunk the last few nights out. I'm feeling productive and alive. Powerfully peaceful and beautiful and whole.

What better lover than a best friend? What deeper life than vulnerability?

Vulnerability has not been the better life. That is why I haven't written in some days. I don't want to be in touch. Absolutely confused about last night. Brandon and I hung out and drank at his place. We had a good time and laughed a great deal, but then there were these vulnerable moments when he became emotional about his life and experiences. And what I am supposed to do? Pursue him only to be refused every time? Is this his game? Am I fun to him? Or is it all in my head? Maybe it's my wild child's imagination. Either way, I'm disliking the whole thing. I need to find a way, separate myself from him for a week or so. I know I couldn't. Still, I wait for his call. I need light!

You never know where you'll end up. Like where I am with Brandon. He is my life. Tonight, at Brandon's I caught myself calling myself a loser in my head. How harsh we can be. I love you, life.