March 1996

Modesto changes before my very own eyes as I make friends and get to experience it in different ways.

Spent the weekend in San Francisco with Jhonna, a classmate. The Castro was wonderful. Everyone was easy to connect with. We boogied at a lesbian bar then ended up at The Eagle. I love leather men. I bought a leather cock-ring, Jhonna a leather crop. We laughed a lot about that. Now, back in Modesto a part of me feels a restlessness that could only be appeased by San Francisco. Will I ever live there? At one point on Castro I turned to Jhonna and said, 'I love being gay. It is a privilege and an honor.' Mom said today that the devil created AIDS and that the disease is well-deserved. I'm close to simply disowning my own family. A feeling of joy burns always within me, carries me through this lifetime. Something grand beckons me always.

I hate the straight world. I despise its arrogance and stupidity. Its tackiness, its carelessness.
Living at home is like being stuck in a horrible, horrible marriage. Boredom. I'll never finish school.
Where do I belong? How do I express myself?