September 1995

A new assistant manager at work is a big dyke. Slowly we're coming out to each other with expressions and subtle hints in an undertow culture. Soon we'll get dragged under!
I read Hemmingway's "Old Man And The Sea". I am reminded what a great little book this is.
Mom has become a source of worry for me. I worry because I know myself, I lose control. But the trick is to not get into fights with her. She doesn't know me. And worse yet, she is inflexible. Violet, as I call her now, is my biggest challenge right now.
I'm not unhappy. Just frustrated. Why do I want to write? Is it a psychological disorder to want what I cannot have?
Everything is temporary. I know this for certain.

Brandon calls one morning and I am surprised. It is unlike him to keep in touch. He says, "I tell everyone I want Emil back." He asks when I will return.
So I am here at last. I am fully here. I read by the window. Settled. I walk up the block to my great-aunt's house and visit with my great-grandmother.

I'm here to get myself together, not worry about how mean and homophobic most people are.
Bought "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof" and "Giovanni's Room".

At work the characters in "Giovanni's Room" ran in and out of my life and made me sad.
I'm having white wine and listening to music. "Ain't No Mountain High Enough". I like this- it is a Friday night and for once I am not drunk-stoned and lonely on Chicago streets that had me on precarious destinations and loving my friend.

I'm starting "Naked Lunch" tomorrow.

Wanna write, but why? What is the drive and desire all about? What do I want to say? How?

Chicago is only a romantic dream. I have so many wonderful feelings and memories. I often laugh thinking about them.

God, I miss the city. But I'm here to improve my disheveled life and return only years from now.