December 1992

A great voice spoke inside me today, "It's only life."

Last night Danielle told me that she cheated on Brandon. Dad and I haven't killed each other, yet. I'm happy for now with fantasy lives floating through my head.

Danielle took me to a party thrown by a co-worker of her's. When we walked in the host immediately bragged that all his exes were there. I struck up a conversation with a handsome man named Thomas. We stood in the hallway and talked for a long time, sipping our drinks. We really hit it off. He touched me. Flirted. I loved the stubble on his face. He said he was an art dealer, and laughed a great deal. I went into the restroom, beckoned him. He followed. We locked the door. He kissed my cheek, moved up my face, kissed my forehead. I kissed his lips. Suddenly we heard someone pounding on the door. It was Scott, the host. He was drunk, angry. I opened the door. He pulled me into the hall, was forceful. He yelled. I grabbed my coat and Danielle and I left. We went to Kaboom and had a wonderful time just the two of us.

I need gay friends. I think I willingly throw myself into experiences so that I might write about them. Except, I'm not a very good writer. Yet! I went Christmas shopping and learned that wanting really hurts, and that it's o.k. not to have.

Slapped dad because he was annoyingly drunk. 'I love you. I love you a lot… when you're sober!' He fell on the couch.

Something is making me… I don't know… numb. Numb. It's Christmas Eve and I go with the flow.

Last night I called Lee, the owner of Lee Valley Farm in Tennessee. Tom had told me that he's looking for help. The conversation went well and I told him that I'm interested in going down there and working for him. He said he would think about it and call me. I need to get away from here. This would be the biggest thing I've ever done. This would be independence. I think going to the farm would be creatively good for me. Sometimes the things that make you unhappy are the same things that are good for you. Like change. Change is natural and necessary, but difficult. I am young, beautiful, and in the hands of some other power that's inside me, a power I have not yet learned to control or use.