April 1992

At Heartland I sat apart from my friends. I talked to a crazy woman named Mary. She didn't have any teeth, wore old clothes, carried a cane, and on one wrist wore medical tags and a small sack. She talked a lot but I could barely understand a word she said. She even sang to me at one point and stood up and did a little dance. Friends looked over and laughed. She kept giving me cigarettes. When she was ready to leave I bid her farewell. We hugged sincerely. I made sure that she knew it was so good talking to her. As she was leaving she stopped at the door, turned around, and called my name. It was odd how normal and articulate she sounded at that moment. She told me I was handsome. She said something about my "Black curly hair…" Then she wet her sunken lips with her tongue and disappeared into the night. I joined my friends at their table. A man who was very drunk sat with us. He asked me to watch his beer while he went to the bathroom. When he returned I handed his beer to him. And he kissed me on the cheek. I smiled.

Kelly thinks it was so much like me to be talking to Mary. She had come up to hug me at the bar when I'd introduced Kelly to Mary. She hadn't expected an old derelict woman. She had walked away from this reflectively. "You're like that, Emil. You'll see someone and you'll think, Oh, I want to talk to that person, they look like they'd tell me interesting things." But what of it? It's not like I'm able to write a novel about it!

Got drunk. Quite drunk. Tracy and I met her sister Tara and Tara's boyfriend Kurt at a motel room. Kurt's a struggling writer. Tara loves him so deeply for who he is. We talked at length about youth and life, romance, writing, living, struggling. It was inspiring. I had chills. I hadn't felt that good in a long time. Tara told me how much Tracy loves me and how depressed she gets when I don't talk to her for a while. We decided to go to the Bistro, quite drunk, and danced, flirted. Tracy's cousin Loretta met us there. The one I messed around with one night. I went up to her and said that I'd heard she wanted to talk to me. She merely said that she knows about my sexuality and supports me. I was touched. She thinks I should go on a date with her friend Fred. I flirted with everyone. At the bar I turned to the man standing next to me and asked him if he wanted a blowjob. He looked around a bit, considered it, and nodded. We went into a stall in the bathroom and I sucked his dick. His penis was beautiful. Big. One of the bouncers knocked on the stall door and said, "Come on, ladies. It's time to come out." And the man's dick was so big he had to wait a few minutes before he could put it away and zip up his pants! I'd had two fists around it and it still jutted out at me, smooth, dark, fleshy. I had had to open my jaw wide. Drunk. Sucking. Tracy said she didn't like the way I was acting. "It's not you," she said. Who is she anyway? She doesn't know me!

Tracy and I met for lunch in Evanston. She said I'd been very rude to the guy she tried introducing me to at the Bistro. I could barely remember the incident. I feel awful. Santi called. He's been quite horny. I knew this phase would come for us. He talked dirty to me over the phone. Of course it turned me on. But at the same time I'm intimidated. Things could get out of control. Control. I'm afraid that if I get sexual with him in any way he might try to control everything, being the older one.

I had to go to court for running a red light. While standing in line I noticed a very obvious homosexual. He was just being himself. Some people looked at him funny, like he was a freak. Others seemed amused and smiled. I wanted to go up to him and hug him. I admired him for carrying on an animated conversation without any fear or embarrassment. Outside the courthouse a black man tried to sell me a paper. I told him I didn't want one. He said, "Are you racist? You don't want to help kill racism? You don't seem like the type, man." I turned around, began to explain myself, but stopped. I almost said to him, 'I am not a racist. Just last Saturday I sucked black dick!' Wouldn't that have been funny?

I think it's important that I think for myself and not let my depression make my decisions for me. Went to Lisa's where Troy played the guitar and we all sang. Troy is from Louisiana and is polite, sweet, passionate about music. I think I fell in love with him a little bit more tonight. Tried his cowboy boots on. He looked at me and smiled while he played and sang. Came home at seven in the morning.

Lisa and I hung out with Troy at his studio apartment in Roger's Park. It was my idea to drink. When Troy and I walked to the store to get beer we talked about things. I told him the Santi story. I was worried that talk of homosexuality would make him uncomfortable. Instead, he told me about a priest friend of his who is gay. Troy got mad at me for not using a condom with the man in the bathroom stall. I thought it was thoughtful of him and felt very close to him. But all night I felt that Lisa had more of a right to Troy than I did. That she had the key to him with her own heterosexism. All I could do was envy them both. We spent the whole night sitting on Troy's futon, talking, singing, laughing. Troy would occasionally reach out and touch my hair. When we ran out of cigarettes Troy filled his pipe with tobacco. Lisa and I lay on our backs on the futon as Troy put the pipe in our mouths for big harsh drags. I fell asleep. When I woke up in the middle of the night I heard Lisa and Troy making out next to me. With my back turned to them I was heartbroken.

I just need to adjust to being friends with men and not falling in love with them. Especially straight ones. I love Troy for who he is and that's o.k. I should leave it at that. I'll learn.

Troy and I ended up partnering on a game of Trivial Pursuit and we won, because Troy is so smart.

It's amazing how much one can do in one day. I got happy eight times today! I hung out with Brandon. We drove out to Lake Forest for an errand. Brandon drove really fast, it was scary. I thought to myself, Should I ask him to slow down? No, be exciting… But isn't it "exciting" teenagers that end up as statistics? We smoked so much pot I fainted. I stood up to give Brandon the pipe and got a head rush. Next thing I know Brandon and Christian are bent over me calling my name. They both looked really frightened. I stood up and apologized to Christian for having knocked pictures off the wall in my fall. It was the strangest thing- I then felt completely awake and aware.

Marcelo and I had an "intelligent" conversation. I told him that I've been wondering if I am an airhead. We laughed, then he said, "I wouldn't say that… to your face!"

David said yesterday that I flirt with everyone. I guess I don't really know who I am. I think I need to grow up a little. There's a lot of worry and guilt right now, with good times squeezed in the middle. I want something wonderfully exciting to happen to me soon, or something bad, because this is really boring.

I want Troy to want me. I realize I'm eighteen and I've a long way to go, a lot to deal with still. I guess I admit I could use some professional help.

Bryan and I haven't gotten together to rehearse another song, but we did hang out today. He told me a little secret that he hasn't told anyone else. He ate Jen out. That might sound vulgar and crude, but both Bryan and Jen are such wonderful people that I think it's simply fabulous! Bryan hopes that our friendship grows and I thanked him for accepting me for who I am. "I love you, Emil," he told me. I thought it was wonderful of him.

Troy and I were in Lisa's closet looking at the newborn kittens. I took one into my hand and we were both petting it. Troy stood close to me. He lifted my hands close to his face and kissed the kitten, caressed my hands. I became suddenly uncomfortable and handed the small kitten to him and stepped back casually. I don't know. I'm feeling like a child again. Why do I fall in love with the men Lisa dates?

I love getting high by myself and have been rolling my own joints.

I feel guilty for doing things that are very much un-Assyrian. I want to break free from these cultural limitations. I want to love people and make love to them. I want to be somewhere else a lot of the time. Anywhere but here.