October 1991

Cindy's in my English class and has a graceful air about her. We went for coffee after class. It took her a little while to open up, but she finally told me that she's been messing around with another girl. "Please try to keep an open mind," she said. 'Honey, I'm gay!' I told her. I went to Santi's and met his boyfriend Mike. Very nice person. Santi and I went to Heartland Café. We caught up. I got home and was about to walk in the back door when I heard a Madonna song down the street. It was Marcelo pulling up in his car. We went to a neighborhood bar in Roger's Park called Charmer's. There Marcelo said that Maggie was coming into town and that she and I should talk about the whole Brian thing.

Last night I had another nightmare. Marcelo, Maggie, and I were driving down Sheridan where we happened upon the mutilated bodies of two little black girls in the middle of the road. Their mother sat wailing and crying in the road. There were blood and body parts everywhere.

Masturbated, smoked, drew. Tried to write poetry. Had a dream that Brandon's dad and I were looking through a photo album while he felt me from behind. The photo album contained only black and white pictures of dad when he was young.

Maggie and I went to Ennui and talked. Call it a friendly breakup. Went out with other friends. Did lots of tequila shots and smoked pot. Got sick. Lisa and Rachel took me for a walk around the block and tried to make me throw up. My God, I was a stumbling fool. Then everyone went to a bar and I stayed and slept in the car. Rachel came out occasionally to check on me. I threw up in my car. I'm so stupid. It's stupid to drink so much that you can't move, to the point of sickness.

Santi calls for yet another favor. Why else would he call? I ended up blowing him off. Mom calls. I try to tell her that I'm unhappy and she yells at me. You can't talk to people. I have such a hopeless perspective on people right now. I have nowhere to go. That's how I feel.

I'm in bed writing. Dad walked in not too long ago and asked for a kiss goodnight. He offered to rub my back. I realize he's trying to show his love, and appreciate it. But why am I cold and distant when he does try? Maybe it's time and all the resentment that's built up in me over the years. This dislike for him. I'm so bored with life. There are no fascinating people in my life. What can I do to make life interesting? So I go to school for the next four years, come out, work the rest of my life, and then what? What will I have to share with the coming generations?

These words keep me going. Thank God for this journal. It's such a friend. To come home and spill my heart out. Talk about things. Express myself. No body said it would be easy. Friends are supportive. Even Bell's been supportive. This whole gay thing is hilarious! Did someone put an ad in the paper? Seems everyone knows. Trying hard not to worry too much about things- relationships, school, me, stuff. And love. I'll meet someone wonderful someday who'll love me for me.

Beautiful day, sunny and cool. Went to Lisa's parents' place to help her dad work around the house. Lisa's dad asked her one day, "Does Emil have a girlfriend… or a boyfriend?" Isn't that funny? He's really cool with me, so it doesn't really matter that he knows.

From now on whatever I do I'll do with a clear conscience. Ready for the consequences. Cindy explained to me why she got sick in class last week. She said she is bulimic and felt stupid and embarrassed. She also confessed that she'd taken pills, lots of them. She cried. I guess she's struggling with her sexuality. I hope she makes it through this. She's a nice girl. God be with her. I've had a deadly headache that's lingered for a few days now, but have managed to be in a fabulous mood. I feel so much better now that dad and I have been getting along. He's been so cute. I hope it lasts. I love him. There is a God. I thought about Maggie today on the train home. We haven't written or called each other in so long.

Maggie annoys the hell out of me. Am I going to go on saying this about all my friends all my life? Something has to be done.

Melisa's house-sitting for the yuppies again. Went over there. We got happy. Talked. Laughed. Had a fabulous time. God, it was great. Melisa spilled her heart out to me and said she can't express herself like this with anyone else in her life. Even if I don't completely understand her I listen, and she gets to say what's stored up inside her. I love that she feels she can tell me anything. What we have is truly special.

I love the black woman at the tollbooth at the Harrison stop. She's good to me. I always offer a warm hello in the mornings and she her "Hello, baby", which seems to help me more than all my friends put together. God bless her. Dad's sober again. God, please help him do this. He looks so much better since he quit smoking and drinking. Life is much better in that way. It was beautiful out today. Marvelous skies, blue and pretty. I thought about mom and the afternoon we packed and sat on the edge of the bed and cried together. It had felt like I was losing a friend. I had known that once I was back in Chicago we would have nothing to say to each other over the phone.

I don't hesitate saying this: It's wonderful getting high and being happy with Melisa. We talk. We laugh. I can't explain the feeling when I'm with Melisa. It's joy. It's all so positive… it's like a dream.

Hung out with Lisa and Bryan, the guy she likes. Bryan is straight but brought it up that it was Drag Night at Bistro. An hour later Bryan and I were in dresses and had makeup on. We actually looked pretty. It was weird because he was really getting into it. I'm not saying that he's gay, but definitely curious. People should be able to do what they want without being judged. Marcelo got a kick out of it all!

Rain. My attitude about things keeps changing. I wish I could understand life better.

I used to fear people. Making friends was such a hard thing. Now it's just so easy. Melisa and I were at Ennui reading my poems and laughing at how morbid they were when Rachel and her new boyfriend, Jim, walked in. A friend of Jim's from AA joined us.

I bought two hits of acid. I would like to trip with Melisa.