December 1990

This is my 17th December. A woman called for dad and I noticed that she had an accent. When I asked him who she was and where she was from he got defensive. I was only asking. He said I was making fun of him. I wasn't! We got into a fight and I threw things and yelled. Of course he bitched about mom. I called mom and yelled at her, too. I told her what stupid people she and dad are for doing this to us and that she needed to talk to him, but she wouldn't. She said, "I told you to stay with me but you just got up and left anyway." I couldn't believe that she said that and told her nothing had changed. I hung up. Dad still loves her but he hates her more. How sad. Sometimes I fear that it is life in America that has done this to our family…

It snowed.

Maggie's jealous that Desiree and I are becoming such good friends. I think Desiree might be a lesbian. She's cool. This morning Maggie waited outside Santi's room with a muffin with a birthday candle in it, and when she finally rushed in with it she discovered that Santi had taken his birthday off. Came home and napped. Was awakened by a call from Santi. He was down. I was supportive. Then he talked about wanting to fall in love again. Rachel thinks he's hinting to me and that he has feelings for me. He said that he hadn't meant to hurt me. I said he hadn't. He hoped I'd find someone who'd treat me well. He asked me to design the cover for the Advent/Homecoming Mass. I told him that someone younger, like a freshman or a sophomore, should do it. He raised his voice, "No, you do it! The hell with them!" Then his pizza came and he had to go. I love him. Or, do I? Should I have said more, less? What? I'm always so insecure. It's his birthday and I couldn't be there to help him and make him happier. He wanted someone to be with and share his birthday with and all I could say was, 'Oh, you'll find someone.'

For Twin Day Maggie and I wore black jeans, green shirts, and our Doc Martins. In the morning we went to Santi's room to give him his birthday presents. Maggie gave him a slinky and a tape she made at my house. I gave him a drawing of Sophia. He hugged us. Later I got permission from Mr. Fournier to go see Mr. Santi about the program I was supposed to design. I knocked on the faculty room door and he came rushing out and stood really close to me, smiling. We flirted.

I showed Santi the program and he loved it. He said the crown I had drawn was very Assyrian. I said to myself, What does that mean? During Mass I watched him from the choir loft. I have to talk to him. I have to let him know. Desiree and I cut 7th period and sat in my car and smoked. I told her about myself and she said that the "boyfriend" she always talked about was actually a woman. We laughed.

I wish he hadn't called me that day he was down. Now I wonder what it is I should do. Maggie and I were gonna go see "Too Much Light" but we're sick of it. And there were no good movies playing, so we went to Dunkin Donuts and got donuts and hot chocolate. We parked by the lake and watched a drug deal.

Maggie talked about her family and the cousins she's never met. It always amazes me how that is with Americans. Assyrians are different. We know every distant relative. Then I drew a chart of my family for Maggie. There I was next to Bell. Out of all those people I was the gay one. It's funny. I guess all I can do is laugh. We watched Madonna's interview about her new video "Justify My Love". She totally contradicted herself. But there are more important things to worry about, like the situation in the Middle East!

Maggie and I noticed Mr. Fournier walking ahead of us on the street. Maggie called out, "Hey, Sexy!" And he joined us at Voltaire. He told us all about his travels. Our code name for him in our notes is "Receiver", because he's so effeminate. I do love life! I'm really considering telling dad about me. Don't you think he should know? I need his support. He hugs me and tells me he loves me and I just want to say, 'Dad, I'm gay. But I love you, too.' It's been bugging me. I don't know. Then, there's Santi- I want to be with him, talk to him, and love him. But I don't. There's society talking again. It still shocks me that my parents are divorced, that I haven't lived with my mother for almost four years. The woman I spent every single day of my life with. The woman who was there in the morning and when I came home from school. Now, I'm practically living on my own. It's also shocking that I'm sexually active. I guess we grow amidst life's surprises. We look back and say to ourselves, 'I guess I'll take everything as a learning experience.' I also wonder about college and am feeling like I'm wasting time here. I want to work with other stuff, not just pen, pencil, and paper. I'm too sentimental right now to keep writing.

Shima called. We chatted. I have nothing to say to her.

I went to Santi's room to get his opinion on the program and we ended up pulling up chairs and sitting down. He joked that we belong to "the club". I asked him if he was looking forward to Christmas, knowing he wasn't, and he said no. I said that I wasn't either. I wanted to say, 'I love you. Let's spend Christmas together.' But, I didn't. So, it wasn't much of a conversation. I asked Desiree if she wanted to go to Voltaire and we did. I ended up explaining the whole Santi situation to her. I trust her. She was freaking out. We laughed so much. She thinks he likes me. She shared her own experiences about being a lesbian with me. I like her so much more now that I know her. She admitted that she's in love with Ms. Cahil. Can you believe that? She's obsessed. We went to her place, which is in a high rise, and she showed me pictures from the past. I almost didn't recognize her. She used to have long blond hair and looked like a girl. Came home and worked on the program until one in the morning. I don't know if I like it.

I can't stop thinking about Santi. Every other minute he's on my mind. I don't even know if I want to be with him. At Voltaire one of Maggie's favorite baristas came out of the kitchen and I told her in Assyrian not to look. It's funny that she's learned my language. When I came home I had a nice talk with dad. I told him I love him and apologized for all the times I've been a prick. I wanted so badly to tell him about myself, but I got other things out that needed to be said.

Mr. Fournier had to leave suddenly because his brother had been in a serious car accident. I pray for him. We saw Santi. It seemed like he wanted to come up to me and talk but he didn't because Maggie was there. If only he hadn't called me on his birthday. I wouldn't be thinking about him all the time. Actually, it's my own fault for going to him in the first place. Stupid. Maggie and I napped in my bed when dad's sister walked in. She asked why we were sleeping in the same bed. It was funny.

My days go by thinking about Santi. I can't help it.

Came home. Dad watched football and I read.

I enjoy having a lesbian friend a lot. I really like Desiree. Every time we're together I learn even more about her. She said that her ex-psychiatrist was also Charles Manson's therapist. Not that Desiree is a psycho!

Marcelo took me to lunch. Then we went to Ed's and watched male pornos, which got me all horny. Marcelo, who is into threesomes, talked us into it. Ed fucked me from behind while I gave Marcelo a blowjob. But I made them stop. I guess threesomes aren't my style. Plus, I don't find Marcelo attractive at all.

I got together with Lisa for the first time in a long while. We went to Ennui on Sheridan. We had a great time and talked about everything. She said that she's told Shima that I'm bi-sexual. How embarrassing. I told her that I'm actually gay. It was cool. Then we went to a party where I had only one beer, and I was happy. Others were getting high. I was like, Get a clue! That's all those people do, drink and get high.

I was in bed reading when dad came in and climbed into bed with me, and we hugged. He talked about how Bell and I will have our own wives and children someday, and ruined the moment. Is that what he really expects?