June 1990

I hate my dad for calling me a fag, but I want to go up to him and hug him anyway… Bastard!

God, I know you made me like this, but please change me. And you know? No matter who you talk to it's always there.

School is out for the summer. Eli's here for a visit and surprised us today by just showing up!

I talked to Melisa and told her I'm depressed. She said, "You're always depressed!" I'm not always depressed. I'm only depressed when I'm depressed!

I'm reading "Alice in Wonderland".

Lisa's mom called and said she had extra tickets to the graduation ceremony, so Eli and I went. In the church I noticed a hot man with a ponytail who looked very much like Brandon's father. Later, at the reception, Brandon's dad introduced the hot man as his brother, Terry. Afterward, a bunch of us went to Brandon's. Brandon's dad offered me a beer. Terry and I leaned against a wall and talked for hours, and I caught a buzz. Everyone all around us. It was hot out. Terry is an artist and I felt a strong attraction between us. He doesn't sound, act, or look gay. He's thirty-four. When we said goodbye we shook hands like five times. I like him a lot. The attention was great!

I went over to Brandon's and we smoked up. While we were on his back porch Brandon asked if I wanted Terry's number. I laughed with embarrassment. He said that Terry was the one who'd offered his number. I smiled. I wanted so much to be friends. This is a start, I guess.

Melisa and I took the L downtown but missed our stop and ended up on the south side. We took another train back but the sights were sad. Old buildings and houses, dirt everywhere. I felt bad. We went to Water Tower Place. Nothing exciting there, just good-looking people and wishful thinking.

Brandon, Lisa, Pete, and I ended up drinking beer in Brandon's dad's van. We got drunk and played games. It was quite interesting. Pete and Brandon admitted that they'd both had homosexual thoughts which they've wanted to experience. I told them I'm not circumcised. We almost all masturbated in front of each other, but Brandon flaked out. We were all being so sexually rebellious. Got home at five in the morning.

I called Terry and we talked for an hour!

Took the bus to Terry's. He looked hot. His apartment is big and nicely decorated. He showed me all his paintings. We talked on his couch but I was self-conscious the whole time because of a zit. He looked at me like he likes me. But I think he has convinced himself that I'm too young. I find myself defending myself, trying to convince him that I'm mature. I want him.

I've begged God to help me not get depressed.

I wonder what Madonna is doing right now…

I love you, God- help me through life, at least through this week.

Dad went to church, which he never does. Later, when I went into the kitchen I caught him chugging out of a vodka bottle. "I just want a taste," he explained in Assyrian. He always says something stupid like that when I catch him. I didn't say anything. He then gave me and Bell a big lecture about working hard.

I got my driver's license! My picture looks stupid, of course.

Got my grades. I didn't flunk anything second semester. But I have to take summer school History. Jessie told me that Brandon's father had said that I am the only mature friend Brandon has. I'm happy to hear it. She also told me that Lisa considers me one of her best friends. She should treat me like one, I thought to myself. I drove alone. It's nice not having to call "shot gun!" anymore. I watched movies with friends, sober. I wonder what Terry's doing tonight. If he doesn't call me soon it's over. He can go live his own life if he doesn't need me.

Sure, happiness comes and goes.

I picked up Eli in dad's cab and we went to Zephyr for ice cream. The waitress recognized me and said, "You're Jesus from 'Godspell'!" It was quite flattering. When I dropped Eli off she kissed me on the lips, but in a friendly manner. Tomorrow I have to register for summer school. Oh well, I guess it has to be done.

Melisa and I smoked half a joint and were gone. It was great, we were really stupid. People started coming over- Lisa, Eli, others. Tracy came with a bunch of lively guys visiting from Ireland. We all got wasted. Melisa messed around with John. Martin and I totally talked about Iran. I spent the night. Melisa sat with me in front of the toilet because I got really sick, but I didn't throw up. Then I fell asleep, I guess…

A really cute chick kissed me at Peace Fest. She was drunk and blond.

This is me and I have to face it.

Melisa pissed me off again today. Cunt! I don't need these people. Fuck you, Melisa, you fat fucking slut! As I was leaving she asked if I'd leave her a couple cigarettes. Fuck you. You can shove them up your cunt! The whole night things happened to make me feel like shit and hate myself. Fuck you, Melisa!

Bell told me Melisa has called and even stopped by once. But I'm not calling her.

Dad's giving me the old cab since he converted the new car into a taxi.