November 1990

I told Maggie in the morning about meeting Natalie and she freaked! We caught Santi in the hall and he shook my hand. At first he shook hard, then soft, and when our hands parted they parted softly. What if!

While waiting to be operated on for my deviated septum I wondered why we worship famous people. I mean Natalie Merchant is just another person out there on Lawrence Ave. who happens to have talent and be famous. I sat there and watched Oprah while the nurse put the I.V. in me. The surgery went fine. My doctor was cool, white, too. They put me under. It felt good. I was high. I could hear and feel. Scrape, scrape, vacuum, pound! I could hear the cartilage in my nose breaking. During the operation the doctor said, "Emil, you're doing fine." And I said, 'Thanks, you guys are doing fine, too.' And he laughed and said to the others, "Did you hear that?" And everyone laughed. Finally came home all bandaged up. Maggie stopped by and babied me. A painful, long, and frustrating day.

Recovering. I felt the cold through the window today.

Maggie called from school and said that she'd asked Santi if he wanted to come with her to visit me. It was supposed to be a surprise, but of course we'd planned the whole thing. I even cleaned the apartment. She pretty much made him come. He walked in oh so hot! I reached my hand out to greet him and he hugged me instead, with a little squeeze. Courageous old Santi! We sat for a while and talked. He liked my sketches. Then he told us a story of a male prostitute who had tried to pick him up on Broadway. Why would he tell us that? But it's good that he trusts us. It was nice of him to come. He's beautiful! God, why do I say these things? Why do I feel them? My family would understand. They'd have to. Then Maggie drove him home and came back. We hugged and screamed. It was rather sad. She got horny again, so I got out an old shoebox full of notes from "Charlotte Sometimes"- Maggie's code name- from sophomore and junior year and we read them.

I'm getting Bs in most of my classes, much better than last year. "Charlotte" and I are up to our note-passing again. In every note I include a sketch of a lanky 1920's-looking woman in huge hats and evening gowns named Sophia. The captions always say something corny like, "Sophia doubted James' love but could never turn her back on him…" [At the bottom of this entry is a sketch of Sophia holding an elongated cigarette holder in one hand and a huge martini in another, her eyes always averted; with the caption: Sophia wondered if she'd become an alcoholic…] Anyway, at school Santi joked that they'd held a prayer meeting for me because of my surgery. Funny! I wanted him to call me so badly that I prayed for it. Foolish me. I hope I have a Santi encounter tomorrow. God, please make us friends, I need some excitement in my life. Who else can I go to? I need someone older. I have to talk to him. Lately I've been thinking, if I am gay, o.k., who cares! I am emotionally happy. I have grown. I feel better about myself. The past can only make me laugh now. It used to depress me but lately I've broken out of that. Good job, Emil. I even told dad that I am happy with my life. I am. Thank you, God. Good night Maggie…

The kids at school get on my nerves. In study I could hear people in the back call Ms. Brown a dyke. Far from it, idiots! She's engaged- to a man. I told Ms. Eichler that I can't wait to get out of there. She said that soon I would. I assured her that I would come back as a famous designer and save her from the very jaws of teenage delinquency. She said that she totally believed in me and that I'll be quite successful. That made my day.

I actually went up to Santi and asked if I could speak to him some time. Thank God he was totally cool about it. He asked if it was personal and I said it was. He suggested that we go to Primo's after school and I told him Maggie would be there waiting for me. So we went upstairs to the library. The lights were off and the door was locked. We sat in the back and I told him. We talked for forty-five minutes about my confusion. He told me that he'd asked a friend the same rhetorical question, "When you masturbate do you think of men or women?" I didn't answer. He went on. I stared. We talked. He said that we'd talk more about it some other time and asked me not to tell Maggie any of it. I told him that I wasn't planning on it. When I met up with Maggie I told her that we talked about Catholicism. I feel bad. We went to her house where her family was gathered for Maggie's aunt's birthday. Afterward, I told her that she is lucky to have that. I used to have a family life, too. Now I have to be happy with what I've got.We went to Rachel's and played cards with her and her tall actor boyfriend. I'm so bad at cards. I realized that I'm not intelligent. Then, outside in the car Maggie and I kissed. Strange. We couldn't believe it. I wanted so much to tell her about my conversation with Santi. But I couldn't.

We sat around and talked about parents, alcoholic fathers, racism, war, the government, and other stuff. I didn't get drunk like I'd planned. Didn't feel like it.

Maggie and I went to school to help with the open house. We were tour guides. I saw Santi. He's really cool to me. We kept looking at each other and smiling. Then out of the blue he said, "I want to fall in love." Does it mean anything? Oh, wishful thinking. Maggie walked up and was annoying. Santi made fun of her. She left. Walking to the car she asked me to go back inside and get him. I went, but asked him instead if we could talk again some time soon. He wrote down his number and snuck it to me behind Sister Margie's back. At Voltaire I wanted to tell Maggie, but I couldn't. Came home, called him and left a message.

Last night Maggie and I went to the lake where she tried her horny stuff and got mad at me. I love her, though. Today I called Santi and left another message. Stupid me. Shima had a gay friend of hers call me and start a conversation about Madonna so to find out if I'm gay. So, goodbye Shima. Tracy called to interview me for a college paper she's writing about Iran. That brought back memories.

Maggie had to go straight to work after school, so I got Santi all to myself. He locked up his classroom and we went to Svea- a Swedish restaurant on Clark. We sat down at a table and started talking. I guess he's had a rough life, and helped me out a lot by talking about his own experience growing up and coming out. We even laughed about it all. He asked when I turn eighteen, and when I told him in August he was disappointed. He said, "I can't wait until you graduate." Damn it, what does he mean? He asked again if I jack off. I answered, 'Yes,' managing not to laugh. He wanted to know what gender I think about when I masturbate. I told him men and we talked some more about this. 'You can wait for me,' I joked. It was cool how we both just suddenly opened up today. He said that he's only been in love once. I also found out that he's twenty-six years old. There's a part of me that feels bad for him. What does he do when he's alone? Is he lonely? Again he asked me not to tell Maggie about us and reminded me to keep calling him Mr. Santi at school. And I said, of course! He said he was sorry for having to tell me what to do and what not to say. So, are these hints of love, or what? I don't know. I wonder when we'll meet again. I don't care anymore if I'm gay or not. It's nobody's business. They should like me for who I am. God did this. They should respect his creations. When we were walking to my car he said, "So, you're a fag now." We laughed. Do I want more than friendship with him? I wonder if I'm smart enough for him. I can't believe this is happening to me. I love him. Ooh, that sounds sick. Here I am. Who am I? At one point he said something about us already being friends. He says that I'm not confused and am lucky to have come this far. I'm so glad he's there, in my life. Grow, Emil. Grow.

At school Santi and I kept looking at each other in the halls and laughing. On the way to Voltaire Maggie and I saw a film crew filming "Only The Lonely". We saw fake trees, fake snow, and John Candy. Later in the night Maggie called and we discussed this strange obsession of hers for me. I said we should talk more tomorrow.

Rachel and I met for coffee. I told her about Santi and made her promise not to tell anyone. I told her that I'd kind of faced myself. Came home and talked Farsi to dad so I would remember it again. I've forgotten so much of it. I love you, God. Thank you for everything.

Maggie and I volunteered at Las Vegas Night at St. Greg's because we found out that he would be there. We got there and there he was. His smile is so strange. All night he walked by looking at me and smiling. Ms. Brown was a cocktail waitress and seemed tipsy. Ms. Murray introduced me to her fiancé, Jack, as the one who stood up and blew up at the class for being rowdy. When I apologized for this she said, "Don't. I'm glad you did that. Thanks." When for some reason I told her that I'm pee-shy she said, "Oh, please. All you have to do is stand. We have to squat." God, it was funny. I had a great time smoking and schmoozing with teachers who were drinking, smoking, and using bad words. Walking to Maggie's car in the dark we were depressed because we really didn't get to talk to Santi. We were driving on Clark when a car pulled up next to us. It was Mr. Fournier, Santi, and a friend. They drove by waving. That made us happy again. Then we parked on some dark side streets because I had promised Maggie that we would talk about us. And we did. I told her there was no hope for us romantically. I told her that I'm gay. God, it hurts to say it even now. I explained how lonely it is. That I've dealt with it every day of my life. And will for the rest of my life. I told her that I'm gonna be lonely all my life because I can't be with a woman or a man. I'm so scared. I can't believe I'm facing it. What would my family think? The only question that goes through my mind every other minute is, 'Why me?' God, why? I didn't do anything to deserve this. I have to believe there's nothing wrong with being gay. If there is then I might as well die. Maggie cried. After all these years she, too, really faced it. She'd bought me a rose earlier. She really loves me. She told me that she can't go without seeing me for one day. I told her how much she means to me, too. I told her that I only have her notes to live for, our times together, our friendship. After all this time I know now that I'm gay.

My problems aren't solved. I have things facing me and I only have myself through it all, like I have in the past. Woke up, studied. Called Santi, left him a message. Went to Las Vegas Night again. Called Santi again from a payphone. He answered. I felt stupid. He asked who was there. Asked how I was doing. Told him about last night. For a second he thought that I had told Maggie everything- I assured him I hadn't. He said he wouldn't doubt me again. He had to go because he had a college friend visiting. I wanted to cry. I felt I had made a fool of myself by calling him. Mr. Santi, I love you, I hate you. Went home and put on headphones and listened to 10,000 Maniacs. I imagined myself singing on some stage. Oh, dreams… I'm scared. I plan on going to him on Monday and either calling the whole thing off or telling him that I'm falling in love with him. Fuck it!

Maggie called and dad told her that I'd gone out. She'd thought I'd blown her off, but I'd gone to meet her at Voltaire. There she was walking from Belmont. She saw me. I saw her. She ran to me. We hugged. I wanted to talk about Santi but I couldn't.

Dad told me an amazing story, which he'd told me when I was a child in Iran. When he was a teenager he'd gotten really sick. They thought he was dying. He was in bed and asked of God to just put him out of his misery. That's when my father saw Jesus who came to my dad and healed him. It is a beautiful story and I believe it…

Santi waved at me, I kind of ignored him. My cousin Ray called and invited me out with him. I had a beer, two shots of tequila, and two gin and tonics. It was another one of those times we talked about God, life, and all that cool stuff. I was drunk. Driving home we listened to Louis Armstrong's "What A Wonderful World", and at that moment I believed it was. I loved Santi, and wanted to be exactly who I was. Everything was great. I was so happy.Got home and dad and Bell were sleeping. I called Maggie and told her I love her, as a friend. She came and picked me up. We parked by the lake and Maggie got horny, so we decided to go to Voltaire. Came home late. But when I was drunk I was so happy.

The past is such a sad thing sometimes.

Today was the worst Thanksgiving of my life. We were dressed and ready to go to my aunt's when a family fight broke out. Dad walked out. My throat hurt from shouting. Cried and went for a drive. Went downtown. It got dark. Walked around. It was cold, lonely, and beautiful. Came back to the neighborhood and called Maggie from a payphone. While I was on the phone with her I wished two cops a happy Thanksgiving, but only one of them said thank you. Why can't they be nice? Fuck Thanksgiving! Maggie and I ended up going to the store and buying a pumpkin pie and sitting there for a couple of hours and talking. We laughed a lot. I got home at six in the morning and woke Bell up for work and went to bed.

Called Santi. He said it was nice to hear my voice. I told him I had a bad Thanksgiving. He said, "Shit!" When I told him I went home at six in the morning he asked where I had spent the night. He'd sounded concerned. I went to Rachel's and while she showered I sat on the toilet and told her all about Santi.

Here I am again. Another day of life. A wonderful day. Maggie and I circled for forty-five minutes looking for parking. Finally I made her pull up to two people who were walking along a dark side street and ask them if they were going to their car. I noticed that the girl looked familiar. She was beautiful. I said to Maggie, 'Isn't that Donna from "Twin Peaks"'? It was! [Laura Flynn-Boyle] Then we noticed the man with her was Kyle Mc Lachlan. Maggie screamed, "I love you! I love you!" I got out and shook their hands, saying, 'I've only seen your show like twice, but you're great!' God, how stupid. Then we took their parking spot and met Rachel and Marcelo at Scenes. Santi didn't call. Fucker!

No Santi. No nothing. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I slept most of the day.

I saw Santi for two minutes after school and in those two minutes he broke my heart. We stood there in his classroom and he wanted to say something, but he couldn't say it. I knew what he was going to say, but I smiled and played it cool. He closed the door. I said, 'Say it!' He did. He told me that he didn't call because he is uncomfortable, that he likes me a lot but we can't be friends until I graduate. If I still wanted to. I was nice. Of course, I was. I said, 'Oh, I understand, Mr. Santi. I knew you were uncomfortable with this and I wanted to talk to you about it. I mean, I wouldn't want to make your first year at Greg's harder.' Laughed foolishly. I was so embarrassed. Hurt. Well, I guess that's that! He doesn't care. Maggie and I went to Voltaire and I just sat there, thinking. Wanting to tell her, to talk about it, but couldn't. If I'd meant anything to him he would have wanted to continue. "But if you ever want to talk…" he'd said as I had left the room. I felt stupid. God, do I feel totally stupid. All the hours spent thinking about him. In a way he's stranded me, I feel. For a while I had reason to be gay. Now, nothing at all. Maggie was facing the windows at Voltaire and was looking outside when she said, "I hate hot guys with ugly girlfriends!" After giving this a thought I said, 'They're probably friends, like us.' We looked at each other for a moment, and then burst out laughing. 'I'm not hot, Maggie, and you're not ugly…' I explained. I stole twenty dollars from dad's jar, which I discovered in his liquor cabinet in the kitchen. Went to a bar with my cousins. I always get served and drink like the other adults, but I always feel so self-conscious. I don't know why…

It rained all day. In the morning Maggie and I were entering through the front doors of Greg's when we saw Santi struggling to do the same with stacks of books and a coffee from 7-11. He called for Maggie. She helped him. We started up the stairs and suddenly he said, "Oh, hi, Emil." I looked back and smiled and said hi. Maggie's been wondering why I hate him suddenly, but I don't really hate him. Really. I understand. I stayed out of his way most of the day. My brother, Bell, has been so tense lately. I tried to get through to him but I couldn't. Dad and I talked. I said to him, 'Just because you've seen Jesus it doesn't mean you know everything!' We laughed.

Stayed away from his room all day and tried to avoid him as much as possible. Maggie wonders why I stay away now. After school she and I came back to my house and she wanted me again. I was like, 'No!' I would think that after our talk the other night she would stop. Nothing gets through to her. She's right when she says she belongs to the Women Who Love Men Who Love Men Club. She got all upset and left. She called me when she got home and said that I'd been right, and promised to stop.

I think Santi said hello to me in the halls, I don't know. I was ignoring him. Now I know I was wrong. It's not fair of me. Got a 16 on my ACT. Depressed.