September 1991

Marcelo and I drove Maggie back to Carbondale where she's attending school. We met her new gay friend, Dan. He's hot! Seemed like Marcelo was hogging him. Marcelo's always been a better conversationalist than me. Met Maggie's new crush, Brian. Marcelo, Dan, and I went to a gay bar, then crashed in Dan's dorm room. Everyone fell asleep while I spent most of the night awake, staring up at the shadows.

Woke up early. Dan was horny. Marcelo and I gave him a blowjob. We took our time. It was intense. We met up with Maggie and went to a coffee shop. At moments I felt immensely jealous of Dan. So good-looking and intelligent. Dan kept staring at me with this odd intensity. Marcelo and Dan went to the bars. I stayed behind with Maggie. Brian came over. I found myself attracted to him. He kept staring at me. Brian speaks French and lived in Iceland. Marcelo came back late and the four of us slept in two beds we pushed together. Marcelo whispered in my ear that Dan had enjoyed my sexual services earlier. Marcelo and Maggie who slept on the outside fell asleep and started snoring. Brian and I were on the inside, next to each other. I felt him pressing himself against me. I shifted, not knowing if this was an advance. I caressed his side with my fingertips. He lifted his pelvis. I placed my hand on his penis. My heart was beating. I rubbed him. Kissed him right there between Maggie and Marcelo. I told him I wanted to go down on him. He whispered, "No!" We muffled our laughter into our pillows. He took out his penis. I licked it. But we had to stop. It was too risky. I apologized for having pushed him. He whispered, "Oh, no. Don't be sorry." And gave the sweetest smile. Then he kissed me.

Back in Chicago. I told Marcelo about last night and he didn't think that was good. We wondered why every guy Maggie likes turns out gay. Brian said that he'd tell her when he was ready. He doesn't know Maggie likes him. Before we left Brian came to Maggie's room to say goodbye. We shook hands. As he walked out he turned around and looked at me, smiled.

I wrote Brian a letter I'll never send, just expressing certain feelings and thoughts.

Lisa's downstairs neighbor, Ms. Rogers, got robbed. Lisa and I kept her company until her son and his girlfriend came. They were funny. The police never came. She had to call twice. We joked that they were probably at Dunkin Donuts.

Maggie called and I told her about the whole Brian thing. She had to know. She handled it quite well, and told me she loved me. She said that she's miserable in Carbondale. I told her to just come home. Picked up Lisa from work and when we got back to her apartment, wet from the rain, there was a message on her answering machine. It was her cousin, "Lisa, this is Letty. Kevin killed himself last night." Kevin killed himself? We were both in shock. I didn't know Kevin all that well since he was a senior and I a junior, but he was a very sweet and cute guy. He seemed happy. But by now we all know that you can never tell. The police had said that he hung himself sometime between three and five in the morning. We wondered why. I still think about suicide but I don't think I could ever do it. But I know how it is. The pain gets too hard to handle. I know God has a place for Kevin. I hope his family can deal with it. I still can't believe that he's gone. Goodbye Kevin.

Lisa asked me to go to Kevin's wake with her. I was shaking. Rachel, Lisa, and I kneeled before his casket and prayed. I just glanced at him. There were a lot of people there. Maggie called and said that Brian told her he's bisexual. She's being o.k. about it. That's it. That's all. I've nothing more to share.

Damn it, Kevin. I know things get hopeless sometimes. They really do. Sometimes I can't quite explain myself.

Registered for classes at Columbia College. Beginning Drawing. English Comp. Fundamentals of 2-D Design. Fundamentals of Fashion Design. History of Art.

Trying hard not to get involved in friends' lives and in their drama. I'm not gonna get frustrated over anyone! Reading "Gulliver's Travels" and J.D. Salinger's "Franny and Zooey".

I hate school.

Marcelo's bought a Saab and I've named her Olga. I keep putting off my homework because I have this strange feeling that I'll do it all wrong. I feel like all of college is going to be all wrong. I had a dream that my father was holding me prisoner. I was kept in the basement of some house and was watched by a very scary man. Dad was cruel. I felt helpless. I made a run for it, ran up a staircase. The scary man chased me. I reached a hall, went through a secret door, then through another door, not knowing exactly what would be on the other side, but certain somehow that freedom lay ahead. The man was right behind me the whole time. The front door! Sunlight! I ran out into the street but was still filled with fear, confusion. I ran up the street toward something, I didn't know what, but I knew that I would be free if I reached this mysterious destination. Away from dad. There was someone I had to find. Only he could help me. A young man. Who?

Went out with Marcelo, Ed, and Ed's new boyfriend Scott. Met up with a short Asian friend of Ed's and went to a lame party. Saw a guy with one leg and went to the Annex. Played the jukebox and acted like queens, got spanked by the bartender. Scott showed us his shaved pubic hair. I didn't drink at all.

Thought about becoming a priest. Marcelo doesn't believe in an afterlife. I'm undecided.

Dad's asking for sacrifices I can't make. I need to live my life. I'm not harming anyone. He wants me to live a certain way because he says it would be "better". Better for whom? He's just being stubborn and Assyrian. I should've never told him that I'm gay! But there's no sense in regretting anything, is there? I've lost touch with religion. I can't feel anything when I think of Nasreen and the room in L.A. Nothing. A state of limbo. I eat once a day.